Do you remember the craze over the Fifty Shades trilogy? Did you also find it irresistible? Did it make you feel all excited and tingly?  If yes, then you just might be into BDSM as well.

If you have ever fantasized about BDSM but confused as to where to even begin, let RandyFox help you. Together, let us wade through what BDSM is, the terms you need to know, and the rules that come with it.

 

What is BDSM?

BDSM can be quite intimidating, but, it really does not have to be so. To understand this better, let us look at each part of BDSM.

The letters stand for bondage & discipline (BS), dominance & submission (DS), and sadism & masochism (SM).

Bondage refers to the restraint play that is integrated into the activities, while discipline refers to rules and punishment enforced by the dominant partner onto the submissive partner.

Dominance & submission refers to the power play wherein one person, the sub (also known as the bottom), permits the dom (also referred to as the top) to be in charged.

Sadism & masochism refers to the giving and receiving of pain. The sadist enjoys the administration of it while the masochist receives pleasure by being inflicted with it.

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Terms You Need to Know

BDSM is such a wide, wonderful world with an expansive vocabulary. The following should give you an idea:

  • Aftercare - a post-scene ritual intended to help the dominant and submissive wind down and check-in.
  • Collared/collaring - worn to indicate someone’s status as a submissive (collaring can indicate belonging to a dominant, and to some is seen as the ultimate level of commitment).
  • Dom/domme/dominant - the partner who leads the power dynamic in a dominant/submissive scene.
  • Edgeplay - bringing a partner to the brink of orgasm, but not letting them orgasm.
  • Fetish - intense sexualization of an act, object, or scenario.
  • Hard limits - limits that never will be negotiable.
  • Pegging - refers to a woman/femme-identifying person having anal sex with a man/masc identifying person, typically with a strap-on.
  • Playspace - an area designated for a scene or BDSM play.
  • Safe, sane, consensual (SSC) - a BDSM philosophy dictating the pillars of BDSM play.
  • Safeword - a word or physical cue meant to end play.
  • Switch - a partner who can be dominant or submissive.
  • Topping from the bottom - a bottom/submissive telling their top/dominant what to do to them.
  • Vanilla - non-kink/BDSM activity.

Consent and its Role

 The most important principle in BDSM is consent. This sex practice is often accused of being physically and/or mentally harmful – one that only those with trauma can appreciate because of its “wicked” nature. It is important to understand that BDSM is none of these things. It relies on trust and confidence in your partner. It is about communicating your desires. It is about exploring you and your partner’s desires, discovering possibilities, and getting off the power play involved.

Consent is essential to BDSM – for the sub to like being dominated, for the dom to take control. However, when you really look into it, power is an illusion as it is the sub who has all the power. Ultimately, the dom cannot impose on something if the sub does not agree to it.

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Tips to Get Started

It is important to start slow. Do not head straight on to dungeon activities. Give yourself time to figure out what works for you and what your partner is comfortable doing.

Some tips that can help are the following:

  1.  Refer to porn to see what you like. Maybe masturbate on some fantasies to know why you find something so hot. What turns you on?
  2. Experiment with yourself and with your partner. Only play with a partner that you absolutely trust and whom you feel safe with.
  3. Always have a safe word. A safeword is a word or a physical cue meant to end the play. For verbal cues, avoid words like “No”, “Stop” or any other words that you might frequently use in the bedroom. Physical cues are helpful when you are incorporating gags or breathe play into your activities.
  4. Talk with your partner. Have an honest conversation before starting anything. Discuss what each of your kinks are, what turns either of you on, and what boundaries you both have. Remember that at its heart, BDSM is centered on surrendering control, trust, and communication.
  5. Leave alcohol and drugs out of the play. Alcohol and drugs with BDSM do not mix. It is dangerous to do so. In fact, if you feel like you need alcohol and/or drugs to be able to participate in BDSM, then it is a strong indication that you still have some things to sort through before you are ready.
  6. Have the right tools for BDSM play. You do not need to go crazy with the shopping. Start with what you have. Use a spatula as a spanking implement or your panties to gag him. Of course, if you do not want to think about it anymore, there is always a variety of bondage implements in RandyFox’ Bondage category.
  7. Make time for aftercare. Aftercare is a post-scene ritual intended to help the dominant and submissive wind down and check-in. This will be your chance for debriefing. Tell each other what part/s you both enjoyed the best and ask how it felt during crucial moments. The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM play strengthens the bond you both have.
  8. Take a BDSM test. If you are not sure yet whether you are a sub or a dom, or a sadist or masochist, this BDSM test can help.

 

BDSM is about trust and communication with your partner. It is also really important that you are compassionate towards yourself. Go easy on yourself.  Allow yourself space to make mistakes and learn from them. Most importantly, be supportive of each other.