Polyamory is the act of having intimate relationships with more than one person at the same time. It is a consensual or a form of ethical non-monogamy since everyone in the relationship consents to this set-up.

Randy Fox has previously featured this topic on consensual non-monogamy (CNM) with Understanding Polyamory and Polyamory: Debunking Myths. However, the question, for people or couple who are unsure of how to transition to the CNM lifestyle, is “how to make polyamory work?”

Polyamory can be awesome, if done right, that is. While monogamy and the idea of one true pairs are ideal and magical, not everyone is made for it. It is also important to note that there are many layers to polyamory and that since it is still a relationship, this means that you cannot decide on your own, in order to transition, your partner must want it too. The thought that heterosexual men who want to have sexual relations with two or more women simultaneously can nag their female partners into ditching the monogamous lifestyle and converting into polyamory, is not a truly consensual understanding.

Building a good polyamory relationship doesn’t happen by accident. Aside from the normal challenges that anyone in a traditional relationship encounter, polyamory brings with it a few more challenges.

Here is a simple guide to a few “dos and don’ts” of polyamorous relationships to make it work. Of course, you will need the basic relationship skills to go with it.

 

Let your persons be what they are.

Sometimes, people in relationships decide before anything is ever established. They decide what kind of relationship they want, what form that relationship will take, and then try to fit a person into that space. But the thing is, people will have their own ideas, desires and needs in a relationship. Do not force a person, or your partner for that matter, to fit in a box. This will never work in the long run.

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Get the balance right.

It is important to remember polyamory is founded on mutual reliance – that is, the choices of one partner can affect the entire polycule (the term polyamorists use to describe their interconnected web of relationships. Balance personal responsibility and mutual reliance. There is no one solution fits all to this as partners can have conflicting or competing needs and demands.

 

Ask for what you need.

If you don’t ask, you won’t get it and your partner won’t know. If you have a need that you feel is not being met, tell your partner. Do not assume that your partner knows or should already know.

Remember that feelings are valid. Even if you believe that what you are feeling is irrational, you cannot change that it is still, in fact, something that exists within you. The solution? Discuss things with your partner.

On the other hand, you also cannot assume that just because you opened up, your needs will be met at all times but in the grand scheme of things, it is still easier for your partner to meet a need they know about than a need that they don’t.

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Anticipate jealousy.

One big thing about polyamory is the concept of guilt-free sexual variety. However, before jumping into this set-up, consider the role that jealousy plays in your personality.

In polyamory and even in people who are not prone to jealousy, they admit that there are instances – and there will be instances – when they feel jealous or have encountered situations that made them feel jealous. If you struggle with jealousy, then the polyamorous lifestyle may not be for you. Randy Fox does not discount that facing personal challenges could make you stronger, but it can also involve a lot of stress and be very high impact on the others in the relationship.

 

Choose partners with compatible orientations.

Polyamory is not just about sex. It is about seeking deeper connections. So while many want polyamory for the sexual variety, there are also many others who choose it for emotional intimacy, and others still for both. It can be challenging when one person’s sexual freedom feels frightening for the others’ emotional intimacy, so talking about motivations and boundaries with prospective partners can help clarify expectations from the beginning.

 

 

These are just some guide that may help you make your relationship work in the event that you decide that it is actually what you and your partner want.

Would you like more tips? Let us know.